Why Don’t I Feel Like Myself Yet? How Matrescence Unfolds From Pregnancy to the Toddler Years

If you still don’t feel like yourself months or even years after becoming a mum, you’re very likely still in matrescence, the process of becoming a mother. It often begins in pregnancy and keeps unfolding well past the newborn stage, through the toddler years, a return to work and any children who come after. Feeling unfamiliar to yourself at these points is a normal part of a big developmental change. With time, curiosity and the right support, it usually starts to feel more settled.

If the word is new to you, my earlier post on matrescence and the identity shift of becoming a mother explains what it is and where it comes from. This one looks at the points where many of us expect to feel like ourselves again, and why it often takes longer than we thought.

When does matrescence start?

For lots of women it starts in pregnancy. Your body is changing, your plans are changing and you might be lying awake wondering what kind of mother you’ll be. Alongside the excitement there can be a quiet grief for the life you’re leaving behind. That grief might show up in the last few nights out before you share your pregnancy, or in turning down a work trip you’d have jumped at a year ago.

Many women keep these feelings to themselves, especially if pregnancy took time or came after loss. Missing your old life can feel ungrateful when you wanted this so much. You can miss your old life and still really want this one.

Why can pregnancy feel so lonely, even with a supportive partner?

During pregnancy, almost every part of your life and identity is shifting. Meanwhile, your partner may still be going to the gym after work, travelling for meetings and making plans much as they always have. They might be excited and supportive, and it can still feel like you’re the only one going through it.

Non-birthing partners usually go through their own shift too, but it often becomes more visible after the baby arrives. It makes sense if you feel out of step with each other in pregnancy. Talking about it, even when it’s hard to put into words, tends to make it feel less isolating.

Why do I still feel different now my baby is a toddler?

Many mums expect to feel like themselves again once the newborn fog lifts. Then their child is walking, talking and at nursery a few mornings a week, and they have a little time back with no idea what to do with it. Friends might ask if you’re back to normal, and you’re not sure what normal means anymore.

Matrescence doesn’t follow a timeline with an end date. Research suggests some brain changes from pregnancy are still visible at least two years after birth, and your relationships, priorities and sense of self are still reorganising too. There’s often a push and pull between missing who you were and growing into who you’re becoming. That can be confusing, and it’s a very common part of this stage.

Why is going back to work after maternity leave so hard?

Going back to work is one of the moments when matrescence can feel most obvious. Your desk, your inbox and your colleagues are much the same as when you left. You may be the one who feels completely different.

It’s common to find the drive you used to have isn’t there yet, or that things that once felt important now feel less urgent. Many women go back expecting to slot straight into their old role. When that doesn’t happen, they assume they’re the problem and try even harder to cope. Often what’s happening is a shift in values. Becoming a mother can change what matters to you, and that can take time to make sense of at work as well as at home.

Will I ever feel like my old self again?

Some parts of your old self will come back, sometimes in different forms. Others may not, and that can be worth grieving. Many mums find that over time the question gradually changes from how to get back to who they were towards who they want to be now.

That shift tends to bring a lot of relief. Choices about work, relationships and how you spend your time can start to feel more like your own, and the pressure to bounce back begins to loosen its grip.

What helps when you don’t feel like yourself after having a baby?

Letting go of the timeline. There’s no point by which you should feel settled. Expecting to have it figured out by the six-week check, the first birthday or your first week back at work can add a lot of pressure.

Making room for mixed feelings. You can love your child and miss your old life. Letting both exist usually feels lighter than pushing one away.

Getting curious about your values. What still matters to you? What no longer fits? What do you need more of now? Small, honest answers to these questions can guide bigger decisions about work, friendships and family life.

Talking about it. With your partner, a friend who gets it, or someone outside your day-to-day life. Saying it out loud often makes it feel less lonely.

How therapy can help with matrescence

Therapy gives you space to slow down and make sense of the changes, without needing to have the answers already. Together we can explore what this transition has stirred up for you, what you want to carry forward and what you’re ready to let go of. Some of the work might be practical, such as preparing for a return to work or talking to your partner about what you need. Some of it might go deeper, into how you were parented or the expectations you’ve carried for a long time.

I work with women through pregnancy and early motherhood, in-person in Notting Hill, London and online across the UK. If you’d like to talk it through, you’re welcome to book a free 15-minute intro call or an initial session, or get in touch with any questions first.

Common questions

Can matrescence start during pregnancy?

Yes. For many women the identity shift begins in pregnancy, as their body, plans and priorities start to change. It’s common to feel excitement alongside some grief for the life you’re leaving behind.

Is it normal not to feel like myself when my child is a toddler?

Yes. Matrescence doesn’t end with the newborn stage. Many mums still feel unsettled in the toddler years as their routines, relationships and sense of self keep changing.

Why do I feel unmotivated at work after maternity leave?

It’s very common. Your values and priorities may have shifted since becoming a mother, and it can take time to work out how your work fits into your life now.

Does matrescence happen again with a second baby?

Many mothers find that each child brings its own shift. A second or third baby can change your family, your relationships and your sense of yourself all over again.

When should I seek support?

You’re welcome to seek support whenever you’d like space to make sense of things. It’s especially worth reaching out if you feel persistently low, anxious or hopeless, or if you’re struggling to get through the day. If you need help urgently, please see my Urgent Support page for resources and emergency contacts.